Buddha wasn’t fat. This is the key takeaway. He started life as a striking, princely rascal loaded with money, women, and what must have been a daunting prophecy indicating that he would become dictator of the world. After saying “no thanks man” and tossing aside what most modern Western men drain their lives seeking, he became a rabid homeless ascetic who would literally flee from other humans on sight. At one point he was able to touch his spine through his stomach and survived in the forests of India by feasting on his own poop and pee. What’s more, he used yoga not to tone his ass or to make friends with like-minded Starbucks zealots, but to detach himself from the various illusions impinging on natural human consciousness. It is unclear whether or not he carried around a gay purple thermoplastic elastomer mat.